So the more recent entries have been abruptly cut off. Things happen. What you read is, at that time it was written was real time without edit. If it stopped it stopped. I don't even go so far as to load browsers to re read and track it. In al honesty, it is what it became so fuck it.
Onwards to tonight. On this date in time, there is a dilemma, a queston, a confession and whatever else I can think of.
First and foremost I have much respect for Mr. Americanmercanary @ blogpost because he speaks in words I completely understand. If he was my platoon leader in the miltary I would really listen and question him... Except for the gun detail posts... As far as I know of guns and rifles is, I have a record in my county for youth day shot range and antler count on a deer. My first day ever hunting, my last day ever hunting-because my fmily legacy is decades before any meat comes home... And I got at least two years worth on my first day out. :/ ...
The rifle details I know, or remember is shit from the military with load counts and shot range etc with an M16-A2. I don't remember the specifics, but I will never forget that once I DID learn and remember the specifics the alma matar started being chanted and I had never heard of it and paid for it dearly. Now... for some ungodly reason I still know the whole 'From tha halls of Monte Zuma to the shores of Triploi' bullshit..... even though it has absolutely no relevance to me other than I shared few dollars from the same broker's payroll... 70 some years later.
Anyway... I'm moving out of my apartment. Ive been here three years almost. I moved in here with the best intentions of going straight forward. Good union job, just finished a big important job (...more on that later unless you want to research BGE MD fro 2008-present rates) and completed my apprenticeship, with fresh welding certifications and all the stuff I'd need for work. PRoblem was not one but two.
First, I have an inability to open up to people/bullshit right off the bat. I can't be the guy that walks in looking and feeling good, pulls up a chair and becomes best friends with the bartender, a waitress or two and the people beside me. Christ..it's been so long I'm lucky if I could even walk up to the bar and not feel like an idiot for standing there in between two seated people who are doing their own thing. But I'm not going to say hey to either unless they say it first, and that's about all they'll get.
It falls into different categories. Either I really don't give a shit. Deep in my soul I feel I don't because you're no friend of mine nor do I want you to be so why waste the time, Im too shy or impatient to give a shit what you have to say and feel you vice versa.... Or, I have an overwhelming feeling of shame for myself because you're able to sit at a bar and not have a care for the world probably the entire night and all I can think about is how it must be nice to let yourself slip away into oblivion around the very same people you cuss out on your way to work, or in your case to and from your trip to the bar and game every weekend.
I'm embraced in the feeling of always being broke and poor and miserable and dream and remember the days when I could just piss money away on anything I wanted because money was just that.... fuckin paper with some old asshole's face printed on it that had no relevance to my existance.
Now look at me...
Three years later, after 8 months of hanging on fishing wire I'm taking the final steps of final suicide, or admitting defeat to the corporate banker cult world and conspiracies. I quit. I lost/gradually quit the lronworker job that was so great and dwindled to nothing (and still dwindling so I read) and took a roofing job because it was hiring with open arms.. By wha a mistake. I will definately save the topic regarding the company and the shit it contains in a post all in itself, maybe not too soon but eventually. It's earned a splinter of the steak in my heart. Anyways, I took that shithole of a job. 55% pay cut, 55% full time hours... 55% wht you rightfully earned on the job take home...
The job has made me progress my age by at least 10 years I swear. Between that, on top of the shit that pretty much every citizen on the prison planet has to deal with in their own way on a daily basis, I definately feel that I've gone from a happy young man to an old miserable fuck...in just 3 years.
And I guess you could say it all started when my mother got sick for the second time with cancer and I straight up without thinking about it said "This is the one that's gonna get her." She dies, the family of three boys grown men are all totally lost, the remaining family splits their ties even more because she was the only one who kept shit together. Guys don't talk for hours on the phone, unless we're in love.... My job ended, and then I was left with WTF to do. Mom was my best friend. I was hers and everybody who knew us knew that. So what did I do?
Well, I dealt with it. I kept my greatfully loving angel by my side because it was all that I had any connection to and at times still feel that way. I S O L A T E D.
Dad went on and did his thing which makes perfect sense to anybody who can think outside of a box for more than 10 seconds.... Found a replacement and swears the true love and married faster than it took me to actually fall in love with my companion.
But to each his own, which always makes me wonder why, and why I'm so comfortable with being who and how I am?
I'm lazy. I'm quiet. I go to work, to work not to make friends. I hate overtime yet OT is the only thing that will keep a ship afloat so to speak. Talking makes me tired when I work, and it distracts me. I like alone time...and never get enough of it.
At work, any kind of job you're stuck with people you have to train or...force yourself to tolerate. Ugh.... If only it was as easy as walking down a hall and closing the door and turning the TV on or something right? Fucking headlights....
You love it. So, after months of living in misery, saving every penny earned and found on the ground, and managing it with other credit card bills and internet fees and shit I have decided that enough is enough. The first thing I needed to do is get a new job because the one I have now has made me ... I can't even describe how miserable it was. Call me whatever you want but... Well I guess if you think of that you could say, it was like living hell. Walking into a job you already knew you werent going to like, and then get time invested in it and learn the way they run business and hate it even more because you didn't have any vocal/or legal power over any of it and ....
I went from 100% union rat hating pro union swear by the book to
Undala undalay esta perra pin deho or whatever.... ALL DAY AND NIGHT. Illegal non union immigrants who never took a break, a water break, a smoke break, a lunch or nothing and worked sun up to sun down. What every greedy construction company owner soils his pants over. I went from anti rat to 110% rat. And I hate them both...almost the same.
Union made me go there. Non union made me where I am now.
Moving out at some point this month. I have yet to talk to a landlord and see how exactly clean this transition will go.. but I don't even care the cost. Not having to make 850 a month to cover an 829 rent bill on top of like...450 other bills is a huge relief. Now I can just bank the shit and pay it as it comes til it is gone and then restart.....again. By then if I'm lucky I'll be a 30 year old had a place of my own once now livin with a brother in the basemtn fighting to keep a relationship stable not going anywhere videogame playing kinda dude... who knows how to handle a serious amount of alcohol and look like a bootcamp graduate almost.
Starvation and sacrifice makes the man a sexy skeleton. Beer keeps the muslces swollen and the job keeps them exercised.
I don't know what is going to happen. Plans and dreams right? I just can't take any more of waking up in the middle of the night in a nice deep sleep and having the first thought come to my be 'how am I going to have that paid for this month if I already have this paid for?' How am I going to get to work because I need gas and I put my last 40 on the cellphone bill or whatever. I've not been going in because I have to make a tank of 60$ gas last two weeks with 60 miles a day of driving, on a car with 2 rear tires on the brink of destruction, with an insurance policy that is equivalent to...if you get hit and lose your car and it's not your fault, well it's on you kinda deal. Two broken windsheild wipers and a busted thermostat and windshield washing fluid box. And to think at one point in time I used to submit photos of my car into Suzuki to be the Stock Model of the year care package.... .. .
You understand what I'm saying? Between the job driving me fucking crazy to the point where I'd sit in my car, or away from the 4 and a half footers and cry for 30 minutes as hard as when my mom was withering away in the bed at home and the constant fear and obsession of how I'm going to come up with the money to just have a roof over my head for the month.. I refuse to follow the path. At least I have a place to fall back to. I hve no idea what my girl is going to do though but this is every man fend for himself and she's known this day was coming for as long as I have. I shouldn't have to be TOO concerned for her well-being. I didn't make her life suddenly go to shit recently, so I shouldn't have to slap a leash on her and dictate her around,,, Not throwing her to the wolves but I'm really like..:
Dude the shit is hitting the fan. I told you it was going to happen and I got a plan that I wish I never had to fall back on. What do you have? Well, that's not my fault.
You're in it as much as I am, but I can't take care of you forever. Especially at this point man you need to do something for yourself and if you really are considering just going and being a drug addict to numb yourself away from the stress well..... Have fun in la la land because your level of stress will never amount to mine, because you've never had to hit a peak. So go walk the clouds and I hope you fall.
Eh. How's that for romantic rage? I should be starting a new boring forklift job soon here within the next week. Another drastic pay cut, but as long as every penny isn't having to go towards a rent that I can't even have the luxury of fully enjoying then fuck it. I hate America and everything Capitalism stands for...yet people still stand firmly by it. I wish the WW2 generation would die off with their patriotism stupidity already and the children of hippie children's parents would take over... The ones that haven't died off already that is and change this shity way of white collar life we have to live..
Who can stomach that show Madmen when it spits in our faces every week? Are you wrapped aound th sex and cigarettes?
Til next time. Hope you had a good read.